so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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