guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
