i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
