he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
even my farts smell like vagina
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
