Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you had me at cake vodka
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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