Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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