Are we in a gay sports bar?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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