It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
