I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
