Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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