im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
