Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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