My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
