Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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