How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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