my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
