rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
