He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
