he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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