If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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