first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
