Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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