Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
