We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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