I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
