he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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