How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
