What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
