That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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