You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
