im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
