u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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