it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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