I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
