Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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