Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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