some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
