It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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