Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
