There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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