just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
this hospital has no fireball
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
