someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
