I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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