Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
