Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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