i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
