There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Houston, we have a squirter
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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