wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sext me about skeletons
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
