don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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