I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no, he came in my armpit
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
