I'm going to jail i love you
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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