Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
