what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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