dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
